Theres a fine line between trying to predict the future and the possibility of aliens taking the trouble of invading our planet. That fine line is drawn by the Daily Horoscope which appears in your daily newspaper. I wonder what it takes to write a daily horoscope...or for that matter what it takes to read one. Is it the power that one feels to know they are in control ? Or know what would exactly manifest before themselves today? Or perhaps because it can be easily made into a conversation subject? The latter, I think, is the best motive.
I took the trouble of reading one today (Saturday, 4th October 2008, Bangalore Times - a supplement of The Times of India). Wow! what a revelation. My horoscope read as follows.
"Your interest in health and well being may lead you to a surprising new discovery" - Yes. It has dawned upon me that typing this post can be a good excercise to my fingers. Better still, that slapping my face after reading a statement such as this can be good for my gums as well.
"It may be a better idea to rest than to exercise too much" - Kind of a paradox to the above statement, but hey! thats my horoscope. Anyway, which moron thinks that its a better idea otherwise? I'm not going to slap myself more than once either.
"Continue to be dynamic. You have already scored the best possible" - Oops. Wrong there. I just tried my hand at the midtown madness race game and did my best lap....twice in a row.
"unexpected guests could drop by" - Like it takes a lot to say that. I had them yesterday, I'll have them tomorrow too.
I glanced across other signs as well. Enlightenment is an understatement. The sludge of generalities I read ... you can just club all the horoscopes for the month and write a self improvement book. I can hear the pitch of my laughter getting higher and higher with every statement . I'm not making this up...look it up yourself.
"Work with appropriate professionals" - Gemini (Ha)
"Your best ideas are ready for television" - Leo (Ha Ha)
"You can enjoy good time with good people" - Virgo (Ha Ha Ha)
"You may find yourself very appreciative of your career and practical skills" - Libra (Ha Ha Ho Ho)
"Colleagues may be too preoccupied with their own responsibilities" - Capricorn (Ha Ha Ho Ho He)
"Dont worry about how much effort you make" - Pisces (Ha Ha Ho Ho He He He ...ouch)
Now that I know what a horoscope is, I thought I'll try my hand at one. Let me know how accurate I am:
Aries: You will find yourself getting up at the usual time you get up. And you will find that you are late for work. The auto guy will ask you for 20 bucks over and above the meter. You will then realise that its a Saturday.
Taurus: The Manager will give you more work today. If not, dont ask for it. Lookout. A fly will drop in your soup. If you dont plan to have soup today, it will drop in anything else that you are going to have. Too bad if you are not a non-vegetarian.
Gemini: You will feel like you are a good for nothing soul. Fortunately for you, you know that now, others are just ignorant of it. This same statement will appear in someone else's sign tomorrow (Shhh...thats a secret)
Cancer: With a sign like that who wouldnt be morose? Pick up a crab and eat it. You will find yourself in the company of the most boring people on earth. I will not reveal which zodiac signs they belong to. Its written there that they will murder someone.
Leo: You will feel good about yourself today. Some call that egotism. But you can blame that on your horoscope. And don't worry about "them". Think as if you are the only person who exists in this world. Then you dont have the opportunity to compare yourself against anyone and can feel nothing but "good" about yourself.
Virgo: You will itch yourself to death today. That itching would be caused by you reading this post and thinking about whats written here, even for a millisecond. Too late now. Let me know what needs to be put up as an epitaph.
Libra: You would be wondering how different your life would be today if you were born a month earlier or later. I'll tell you - you would be a month older or younger. One other thing will change. Your zodiac sign would be either a flower holding bitch or a stinging stinking 8 legged, two clawed, one tailed creature.
Scorpio: Its a bad bad day for you if you are a scorpio. I'll not tell you how bad. But its so bad, so bad, that you would think nothing would be worse than this. And then you will realise something. It just got worse. Ok, I'm just kidding.
Sagittarius: You will meet your "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right" today. Unfortunately, that Mr. Right or Ms. Right belongs to a different zodiac sign and he/she wouldnt know anything about this. So just hug every person that you will meet today and feel good about it.
Capricorn: Your love life will also go through ups and downs. Thats right, you will be taking a trek soon. So you can just avoid these ups and downs by sitting at home and watching a movie. Have you seen The Dark Knight?
Aquarius: There will be 24 hours in the day for you today. Most of which you will spend doing stuff that you pretty much don't care about. Rest of the time you will be sleeping. I'll just cut it short and say that it will be the most useful day of your life.
Pisces: You will find yourself swearing under your breath. For what? You should be knowing better. You can't expect an horoscope to know what you feel like every moment of your life! Oh sorry, thats right, thats what a horoscope is for. I forget.
I am the next Linda Goodman (she's a woman by the way...no predictions there). If I am writing a horoscope, it must be true. Hmm..what should I call myself....Nostradamus sounds to archaic.
I took the trouble of reading one today (Saturday, 4th October 2008, Bangalore Times - a supplement of The Times of India). Wow! what a revelation. My horoscope read as follows.
"Your interest in health and well being may lead you to a surprising new discovery" - Yes. It has dawned upon me that typing this post can be a good excercise to my fingers. Better still, that slapping my face after reading a statement such as this can be good for my gums as well.
"It may be a better idea to rest than to exercise too much" - Kind of a paradox to the above statement, but hey! thats my horoscope. Anyway, which moron thinks that its a better idea otherwise? I'm not going to slap myself more than once either.
"Continue to be dynamic. You have already scored the best possible" - Oops. Wrong there. I just tried my hand at the midtown madness race game and did my best lap....twice in a row.
"unexpected guests could drop by" - Like it takes a lot to say that. I had them yesterday, I'll have them tomorrow too.
I glanced across other signs as well. Enlightenment is an understatement. The sludge of generalities I read ... you can just club all the horoscopes for the month and write a self improvement book. I can hear the pitch of my laughter getting higher and higher with every statement . I'm not making this up...look it up yourself.
"Work with appropriate professionals" - Gemini (Ha)
"Your best ideas are ready for television" - Leo (Ha Ha)
"You can enjoy good time with good people" - Virgo (Ha Ha Ha)
"You may find yourself very appreciative of your career and practical skills" - Libra (Ha Ha Ho Ho)
"Colleagues may be too preoccupied with their own responsibilities" - Capricorn (Ha Ha Ho Ho He)
"Dont worry about how much effort you make" - Pisces (Ha Ha Ho Ho He He He ...ouch)
Now that I know what a horoscope is, I thought I'll try my hand at one. Let me know how accurate I am:
Aries: You will find yourself getting up at the usual time you get up. And you will find that you are late for work. The auto guy will ask you for 20 bucks over and above the meter. You will then realise that its a Saturday.
Taurus: The Manager will give you more work today. If not, dont ask for it. Lookout. A fly will drop in your soup. If you dont plan to have soup today, it will drop in anything else that you are going to have. Too bad if you are not a non-vegetarian.
Gemini: You will feel like you are a good for nothing soul. Fortunately for you, you know that now, others are just ignorant of it. This same statement will appear in someone else's sign tomorrow (Shhh...thats a secret)
Cancer: With a sign like that who wouldnt be morose? Pick up a crab and eat it. You will find yourself in the company of the most boring people on earth. I will not reveal which zodiac signs they belong to. Its written there that they will murder someone.
Leo: You will feel good about yourself today. Some call that egotism. But you can blame that on your horoscope. And don't worry about "them". Think as if you are the only person who exists in this world. Then you dont have the opportunity to compare yourself against anyone and can feel nothing but "good" about yourself.
Virgo: You will itch yourself to death today. That itching would be caused by you reading this post and thinking about whats written here, even for a millisecond. Too late now. Let me know what needs to be put up as an epitaph.
Libra: You would be wondering how different your life would be today if you were born a month earlier or later. I'll tell you - you would be a month older or younger. One other thing will change. Your zodiac sign would be either a flower holding bitch or a stinging stinking 8 legged, two clawed, one tailed creature.
Scorpio: Its a bad bad day for you if you are a scorpio. I'll not tell you how bad. But its so bad, so bad, that you would think nothing would be worse than this. And then you will realise something. It just got worse. Ok, I'm just kidding.
Sagittarius: You will meet your "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right" today. Unfortunately, that Mr. Right or Ms. Right belongs to a different zodiac sign and he/she wouldnt know anything about this. So just hug every person that you will meet today and feel good about it.
Capricorn: Your love life will also go through ups and downs. Thats right, you will be taking a trek soon. So you can just avoid these ups and downs by sitting at home and watching a movie. Have you seen The Dark Knight?
Aquarius: There will be 24 hours in the day for you today. Most of which you will spend doing stuff that you pretty much don't care about. Rest of the time you will be sleeping. I'll just cut it short and say that it will be the most useful day of your life.
Pisces: You will find yourself swearing under your breath. For what? You should be knowing better. You can't expect an horoscope to know what you feel like every moment of your life! Oh sorry, thats right, thats what a horoscope is for. I forget.
I am the next Linda Goodman (she's a woman by the way...no predictions there). If I am writing a horoscope, it must be true. Hmm..what should I call myself....Nostradamus sounds to archaic.
No comments:
Post a Comment